Do Time Outs Work?
Time outs are dated and ineffective.
Many parents have heard of time-outs.
The naughty step was made popular by the television show ‘super nanny’ and I’m sure many a times parents are driven to using these discipline tactics because you know, parenting is tough.
Why Repeated Discipline Methods Fail: Understanding Your Child’s Emotions for Better Parenting
If you find yourself using a discipline method repeatedly—like the naughty step week after week—it’s likely not effective. Your child won’t learn the lessons you’re trying to teach.
Often, when children display outbursts of unwanted behaviour, they struggle with big feelings they can’t express or communicate. They might be hungry, tired, frustrated, sad, or feeling disconnected from you. Instead of reprimanding their behaviour, ask yourself, “What’s going on for my child right now?” This shift in perspective can help strengthen your parent-child relationship and foster better communication.
Imagine this scenario
After a long day at work, you feel completely exhausted. You spent the night caring for your toddler, your boss piled on the workload, and you haven’t eaten since breakfast. As you walk through the door, your husband asks, “What would you like for dinner, darling?” With your mind still racing from your long commute, you snap back, “I don’t know—just give me a break! I’ve just walked in.”
Your husband, taken aback by your tone, suggests you sit on the stairs for 10 minutes to cool off. If you’re anything like me, you might appreciate that moment of isolation to gather your thoughts. But maybe what you really needed was for your husband to comfort you, saying, “You look like you’ve had a tough day. I’ll handle dinner while you take a moment to relax.” Imagine how much conflict could be avoided with this kind of understanding!
Instead, you feel more irritated and frustrated. You forget the stress of your day and start to resent your husband for pushing you away.
This dynamic mirrors what happens to children when we put them in timeout. Instead of learning a lesson, they often feel rejected and dismissed, leading to resentment. Over time, they may even feel unlovable.
So here’s my suggestion: A TIME IN.
We are relational beings who crave connection. We want to feel accepted for all our emotions—happy, angry, or sad. Children, like adults, can’t always behave well, and we shouldn’t expect perfection from them, especially since they are still developing self-regulation.
We need to communicate to our children that we understand they’re having a hard time and give them space to express their feelings. This doesn’t mean all behaviors are acceptable, but when children feel wrong, they can’t behave right. In those moments, we must create a safe environment for them. While it’s essential to set limits and boundaries, we also need to show that we are there for them.
When we isolate children or send them to the naughty step, they don’t feel the love and connection they need. We want them to have secure attachments and feel deeply connected to us.
In these moments, we should find ways to connect. Our ability to tolerate our children’s emotions often reflects how we handle our own. If you experienced dismissal as a child, you might find it hard to cope when your child has big feelings, leading you to silence them quickly.
Children act as mirrors, helping us become conscious of our triggers and reflect on how our own parents handled our emotions. By recognizing this, we can break the cycle with our children.
If you’re struggling with discipline methods like the naughty step or timeouts, book a call today to discover a more peaceful and respectful approach to parenting.