Understanding Toddler Tantrums: What Every Parent Needs to Know
If you’re a parent, you’ve likely experienced toddler tantrums firsthand. If you’re not yet a parent, you’ve certainly heard about these challenging moments.
Many parents brace themselves for the toddler years, a phase marked by angry outbursts, aggression, and frustration—behaviors that often seem unreasonable.
We’ve all witnessed the child who cries and screams for a blue cup instead of a red one or the little one who melts down because you cut their toast the wrong way. These scenarios are common and relatable.
Are Toddler Tantrums Normal?
Many parents may feel overwhelmed during these episodes and question whether toddler tantrums are normal. The good news is: they are! Understanding this phase can help parents navigate the challenges of raising toddlers with greater ease.
Toddlers get a lot of stick and parent’s can often mock or tease their child when they are having a toddler tantrum which can only add to their frustration. When a toddler is having a tantrum they are generally trying to communicate that they are upset and frustrated and they need a parent to help coach them through these big feelings.
Understanding Toddler Tantrums: Why They’re Not Out to Get You
Believe it or not, toddlers aren’t deliberately trying to frustrate you. They don’t intentionally push your buttons, and they certainly aren’t malicious, despite how it may feel in the moment.
The Developmental Phase of Toddlers
Toddlers are undergoing a period of rapid brain development, which influences how they express their feelings and emotions. This phase is critical for their emotional growth.
Learning from Toddlers’ Emotional Expression
There’s so much we can learn from toddlers. They experience a feeling and express it immediately—a behavior that is actually quite healthy. In contrast, many adults often suppress their emotions, which can be detrimental to their mental health in the long run.
What Happens During a Tantrum?
So, what is going on with a toddler during a tantrum? There are several factors to consider, and I like to think of the following acronym to guide understanding.
HALT
Is your child?
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Understanding Toddler Tantrums
Instead of judging and labeling a toddler who is having a tantrum, I encourage parents to become little detectives. They can explore what their child might be feeling and experiencing.
The Ideal Expression of Emotions
In an ideal world, a child would say, “Mummy/Daddy, I’m really tired. I’ve had a long day at daycare, and the lights are too bright in the supermarket. I’d rather go home, relax, and eat something than go grocery shopping with you.”
Since children can’t articulate their feelings in this way (and sometimes we adults struggle to express ourselves, too), we often witness a toddler having a tantrum—kicking, screaming, and dragging their feet around the store.
Meeting Toddlers’ Needs
Many tantrums can be avoided or reduced by understanding what a toddler is experiencing and striving to meet their needs.
When your child is upset and emotionally dysregulated they look to us as parents to be their safe harbour that can be anchored, calm and help them work through their emotions. Here are a few things to consider.
- Holding space for their feelings
Holding space for their feelings means allowing them to release all of their emotions. Think about yourself after you have had a good cry, it feels good to let it out doesn’t it. We need to allow space for children to have a good release and discharge their feelings. It’s better they let them out then suppressing and stuffing them inside which can have long term damaging consequences.
2. Step in their shoes, take inventory of the day they have had.
Has your child had a long day? Could they be tired? Have they connected with you today? What time did they wake/sleep? Have they ate? Have they done lots of activities, been over stimulated? Where are they at in their brain development? Have they had opportunities during the day to express their feelings.
These are all questions to be reflecting upon when a child is having a tantrum.
3. Understand there are big feelings going on behind the behaviour we see.
Become like a detective and instead of being a judge and judging the behaviour ask “What is going on for my child right now? What could they be feeling?” and respond to them from that place opposed to reacting.
4. Help them make sense of their feelings
Children need grown ups to help make sense of their feelings. Our job as parents is to be our child’s emotions coach. You can do this by labelling the emotion you see.
“I can see that you are really frustrated. You wanted to play your computer game and I’ve told you that you can’t as it’s bed time. I know this is tough for you.”
Letting them know what you see whilst also validating their feelings helps them work through the feelings.
5. Have empathy for them.
Big feelings can be very overwhelming for children and their developing brain. We are the adults and can self regulate, certain children (dependant on age) can’t self regulate so it’s down to us to coregulate with them. We do this from a place of empathy and understanding.
“Fiona encouraged me and gave me confidence to implement the tools and strategies that a book could never give. She would listen to the situations that had occurred and gave me practical tips and advice about how to deal with them. She would then recap and ask how things went the following week and if anything had changed. I do a lot of what she recommended with my children and the relationship with my children has flourished.”
