The Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) on Adults
When adults become aware of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), they often feel profound sadness about their unmet emotional needs. As a result, they begin to recognize that their feelings were never validated or understood.
For instance, if a child comes home upset because a friend didn’t play with them at lunchtime, and a parent shrugs it off with comments like, “It’s okay, you have other friends,” or “You’re overthinking it; you’re too sensitive,” the child learns that their emotions don’t matter. Consequently, they internalize the belief that their feelings are insignificant.
Over time, this lack of validation leads the child to believe that no one truly sees them. Although the effects may be subtle at first, they can grow more pronounced. Eventually, the child may stop confiding in the parent, believing their feelings are unimportant and unworthy of attention.
How CEN impacts parenting
You have a difficult time understanding your feelings and your child's feelings
You don't know how to regulate your feelings and have a harder time trying to co-regulate with your child.
Because you don't understand your emotional needs you fail to have structure and discipline with your children. Often having a difficult time being self disciplined.
You blame yourself for parental hardships. Thinking you must be a "bad parent."
You don't know how to emotionally attune to your child struggle to connect with them. You don't really know how to get in your child's world having very little understanding of their experiences.
You have a sense that something is wrong with you as you feel disconnected, numb, emotionally empty.
“The fuel of life is feeling. If we’re not filled up in childhood, we must fill ourselves as adults. Otherwise, we will find ourselves running on empty.”
Dr Jonice Webb – author of “Running on Empty. Overcome your childhood emotional neglect
Understanding the Subtlety of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Childhood emotional neglect can be so subtle that it often lacks a formal diagnosis. Many doctors and therapists may not be familiar with the term. However, for those who have experienced it, childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a very real and impactful issue.
Healing: Finding the Right Therapist
Once you become aware of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), it’s essential to seek a therapist who understands this issue. Look for a therapist with somatic training and experience in “inner child work.”
In these sessions, you will likely revisit your childhood to identify unmet needs and understand how your parents may not have had the skills to support you. This awareness allows you to take compassionate steps toward understanding and expressing your feelings. Ultimately, this process will also help you better support your child’s emotional needs.
Breaking the Cycle: Improving Your Parenting Skills
We often repeat the parenting styles we experienced in our own childhood until we learn a better way. To enhance your parenting, seek out classes, resources, or parent coaches who can guide you. A parent coach will briefly address your childhood experiences while helping you develop essential parenting skills.
This support will empower you to recognize, listen to, and respond to your child’s emotions while also addressing your own feelings. Parent coaches can serve as the supportive figures you may have missed, truly seeing, hearing, and validating your experiences.
Recommended reading:
Running on empty – overcoming childhood emotional neglect by Dr Jonice Webb
Running on empty no more – transform your relationships with your partner, your parents and your children by Dr Jonice Webb
Treating adult survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect – by Elizabeth K Hopper
