Struggling To Be A Calm Parent?

Do you struggle to be a calm parent and often beat yourself up for not staying composed? Do you look at other parents and wonder how they manage to have it all together? If you vow daily that today will be the day you stay calm but end up going from 0 to 100 when your child triggers you, know that you are not alone. Ninety-nine percent of the parents I work with face these same challenges and frequently criticize themselves for moments of dysregulation.

Many parents don’t even know what calm feels like. I encourage you to shift your focus from striving for calm to seeking connection instead. High levels of activation can make it nearly impossible to stay calm. It’s unrealistic for any parent to remain composed while their child kicks, screams, or hits. When a child feels dysregulated, the parent often becomes dysregulated too, because our nervous systems naturally attune to one another.

When a child disconnects from themselves, they lose their sense of calm. Instead of asking, “How can I get my child to calm down?” consider, “How can I help my child connect with themselves?” To achieve that, we first need to connect with ourselves.

In heated moments, both the child and parent may lose their connection, leading to dysregulation and difficulty accessing the logical part of the brain. This can cause us to act in ways we later regret due to emotional flooding.

From now on, focus not on “how to be calm,” but on “how can I connect with myself.” Here’s what that may look like:

1. Awareness: Recognize your fight/flight/freeze response.
2. Acknowledge: “I’m dysregulated right now. This is hard and feels stressful.”
3. Self-Compassion: “Parenting is tough. I’m juggling many responsibilities, so it’s natural to feel overwhelmed.”
4. Connect to Your Body: Try breathing exercises, drinking water, splashing your face, humming, singing, dancing, or moving your body.

These four steps can help you reconnect with yourself during dysregulated moments. This process takes time, patience, and practice. I wish it were easier. In my 12-Week Ultimate Parenting Success Course, I guide parents through this process with 1-on-1 support and accountability.

Remember, the goal isn’t to be calm; it’s to be connected. You can experience dysregulation in a healthy way, and with practice, you’ll be better equipped to support your children when they struggle with their big feelings.